


i'm down for what you want

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Beads, Hospital, Louis takes it all, M/M, Sex Toy Mishap, Sex Toys, first time using sex toys goes wrong, how can Harry be so dim, its surprising they're not divorced yet, married larry, so many things go wrong
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-16
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-04-09 15:12:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4353839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry and Louis are in their thirties and have been married for five years. Their relationship is stable and good, but their sex life needed something... different.</p><p>Long story short, bad things happen in the bedroom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm down for what you want

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this is all totally not real, and it's all completely a joke. just for fun :-) enjoy, I haven't posted anything in a super long time (new account!) so!! yeah wow!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they probably don't even use salad tongs in hospitals I bet.

The night was going to be perfect. 

Just Harry, Louis, and the pretty little toy Louis bought today on a whim: a string of shiny, silver, anal beads. 

Now, Harry and Louis weren't the type of couple to use sex toys; they never saw a need to buy them, own them, or use them. But after five years of marriage and trying out every position in the Kama Sutra twice, Louis decided that it was indeed time for a change of pace for them.

Louis practically skips home from the adult shop in the sleazy part of the neighbourhood, excited to show Harry what they'd be doing tonight. Of course, being thirty-three and having a bit of a knee problem prevented him from actually skipping, so he settled on dance walking.

He does, however, prance into their living room with the plain brown paper bag held up like some sort of trophy, leaving his very confused husband to give him a wary look from the couch.

"Louis, babe?" His voice is quiet as he speaks, as if he's talking to a child who knows they did something wrong and is proud of the wrong thing they've done. He closes his book and sets it on the coffee table. Louis stands where he is, proud and grinning, one hand on his hip, the other holding out the bag.

"Yeah?" He says, bright blue eyes shimmering with excitement as they lock onto Harry's gaze. Harry folds his hands in his lap, tilting his head a little.

"What've you got there?" He asks, looking at the bag. "What'd you get?" Louis squeals a little and walks over to Harry, giving him the bag.

"Well, I was out shopping today, and I walked past this place-"

"Oh, no," Harry murmurs as he opens the bag.

"Oh, yes," Louis says through a giggle.

"Oh no, you did not," Harry looks up at Louis, his green eyes wide. "You did not buy fucking anal beads, Louis Tomlinson."

"I did in fact buy anal beads, Harry Styles," Louis chimes, climbing over the back of the couch and sitting next to Harry. "We're gonna use them tonight."

Harry sighs heavily and takes the box out of the bag and looks it over. He sees the silver beads through the plastic film that served as a window and groans. "I've never had anything that wasn't a cock or fingers inside me, Louis, I don't know if-" He pauses, seeing the hopeful look on Louis' face slowly diminish. Louis sits back, now looking embarrassed. His cheeks are pink and he's avoiding Harry's gaze. 

"You're right, I should've asked before I bought them," Louis goes to take the box when Harry suddenly holds it out of Louis' reach, getting a fantastic idea. Louis looks at him, confused, but Harry just grins.

"We can use them," Harry begins, keeping the box held close to him. "If you let me put them in you." Louis' eyes widen, and it makes Harry laugh just a little. "What do you say, huh, babe?" 

"Oh, wow," Louis whispers. "Okay, yeah, sure. Yeah, we can do that," He nods quickly, smiling. "Absolutely."

"Well someone's excited then," Harry murmurs, looking at the box again. "So, do you really want to wait for tonight, or do you...want to just crack this open now?"

With a flicker of lust crossing Louis' face and a hasty, chaste kiss, Louis is up and running towards their bedroom, Harry scrambling to follow.

 

"Okay, so, which way do they go in?" Harry says as he holds out the string of beads in front of him. The large end has a bit of string and a loop attached to it, but he's not really sure what that's for. Louis, who has been open and bent over the bed for three minutes, sighs.

"Doesn't it say on the box?" He says impatiently, and Harry shakes his head as he looks it over quickly. Only one block of text catches his eye.

"Mm-mm, it just says how it will add spice to your bedroom and a spark to your dead marriage," He murmurs as he looks it over again. Louis chokes on a laugh.

"No fucking way," He says, grinning. Harry laughs and shows him, and Louis cackles. It did actually say that, more or less. 'Add a bit of spice to your bedroom life and rekindle that lost flame.' 

"These sex toys are brutal, man," Harry whisper as he tries to stifle a smile. He was supposed to be shoving things up his husband's ass, not laughing at stupid labelling on sex toy boxes. Due to the hilarity, he misses the label that says, 'Leave pull string outside of body'. "So, should we just put in the biggest first since you're all open and everything?" He asks, and Louis nods. 

"That sounds reasonable," He nods a little, bracing himself. He and Harry switched off every now and again, but Louis was primarily a top. This is definitely a little strange to him, and stranger still because it was a sex toy and not a cock. Harry nods and gets behind his husband. 

"Okay, there's this little loop thingy, but I don't know what it's for, so I'm just gonna-" Harry takes a breath and gently pushes in the largest bead with the loop and string, causing Louis to groan and put his face into the mattress for a moment.

"Fuck, what?" He gasps as Harry pushes in the second, slightly smaller bead. Harry shrugs a little, not repeating himself. Couldn't be that important, could it?

"Nothing, babe," He murmurs as he gets in the next three. "Okay, all in, love, you okay?" Louis is gripping the sheets, feeling full and lovely, but when he moves to sit up, the beads press beautifully against his prostate, sending a jolt through him and a shiver down his spine, a small moan escaping past his lips.

"Ooh, wow," He breathes. "Definitely different, but...nice, really nice," He shifts again as he stands up, and they press against it again, so nicely that his knees buckle. Harry has to help him to stay standing, a grin spread wide across his face.

"Good. Makes me want to try them..." Harry vocalizes his thoughts as he looks over his naked, beautiful husband. "So gorgeous," He sits him down on the bed, and Louis let's out a low moan.

"As much as I like how these feel, I want you inside me now, Harry," Louis whispers as he kisses Harry quickly. "Get them out." He lays on his back and spreads his legs, and Harry gets between them, only to stop.

He waits a beat before looking up at Louis. "How?" He asks, inspecting Louis' asshole, trying to figure out how to get the beads out. Does he dig around for them? Does Louis push them out?

Louis sits up, biting back another moan. "What do you mean how?" He runs a hand through his hair and looks at Harry. Harry shrugs and lays him back again. 

"Like, how do I get them out of you?" He clarifies. "They're all inside you, I can't just pull- Oh my God," He stops short, realization dawning on him. His tone of voice makes Louis incredibly nervous.

"What? What's the matter?" He asks, sitting up again. Harry blanches, his fearful green eyes locking onto Louis'.

"The string. With the loop. That was to pull them...that was to pull them out," He whispers, absolutely horrified. Louis gapes at him. 

"You put them in the wrong way?!" Louis chokes out, fear running through him. Harry nods slowly, covering his mouth with a hand as Louis goes pale. "Tell me this is a fucking joke, Harry, you've got to be shitting me," He looks down between his legs. No string, no nothing. "Fuck!"

Harry moves his hand. "It's okay! It's okay, u-um, try pushing them out," He suggests, and Louis cringes.

"What?" He asks as if it weren't obvious. Harry takes a shaky breath.

"Like you're shitting, push them out, come on," He urges. Louis shakes his head rapidly.

"I'm not fucking doing that with you here, that's-"

"Louis, I have literally eaten your ass, nothing I see will surprise me," Harry chastises. "So unless you want to head to the emergency room to get those out, I'd start pushing." 

Louis groans, throwing his head back. God, this was mortifying. He starts to push, and Harry watches. After a moment of incredibly awkward and uncomfortable pushing to try and get the beads out, he shakes his head and stops. "No, no, I can't do this with you just watching like that!"

"Well, I have to know if they're coming out, which they aren't," Harry mutters, picking up his clothes and pulling them on. He had intended on sex, but it appears the night won't be going that way. "Get your clothes on, we have to-"

"We're not going to the emergency room. I'm not gonna let some random doctor know that I've got a fuckin' sex toy shoved up my ass," Louis interrupts, pissed off at Harry, pissed off at the world.

"What else are we supposed to do? Let them work their own way out?" Harry asks, throwing Louis' clothes at him. "I don't like this any more than you do-"

"Do you have balls stuck up your ass, Harry?" Louis asks, carefully pulling on his clothes.

"Do you have a rain check on that attitude?" Harry retorts, folding his arms across his chest. Louis stares at him in disbelief.

"Excuse me?"

"You're excused."

"Fuck you!"

"Just because you have a sex toy stuck inside you doesn't mean you get to get snippy with me, Louis."

"Yes it does!"

"And why is that?"

"Because you got them stuck in the first place!"

Harry huffs, walking out to grab his car keys. Yeah, he fucked up... Louis hobbles out to follow him, only to groan at the beads shifting and pressing against him in all the right ways. 

"Harry," He whines. "I hate you so much right now." He watches as Harry grabs the keys off the little hook by the door. Harry gives him a dirty look as he opens the front door.

"Let's not forget who bought them," Harry points out. "And let's not forget who let me, an inexperienced, simple, thirty year old man who was just fine without kinky sex toys put beads up his ass. I'm not the only one to blame here!" He snaps as he walks out, followed by a slow moving Louis, who merely whimpers in response. 

This was going to be a fun car ride.

 

"So, what seems to be the problem?" The nurse, a bleach blonde who needed to redo his roots in Louis' opinion, was not intrusive whatsoever, but he could tell by the embarrassed and flushed look on Louis' face and the sheepish smile on Harry's that something in the bedroom had gone terribly wrong. Louis is sat in a bed with one of those shitty hospital gowns, a smiling Harry by his side. 

He huffs and folds his arms across his chest, trying his best not to move his lower half at all. "You wanna tell him, Harry?" He glances at the nurses ID badge. Niall Horan, it reads. "You wanna tell Nurse Horan what happened?" 

Harry rolls his eyes and looks at Niall. "I have a question first. Do you often get couples in who have had sex toy mishaps?" He asks, and Niall blushes.

"Ah, well, not typically, but we do get a case every now and again," He looks between Harry and Louis. "Which leads me to assume that this is why you're here?" His icy blue eyes show no sign of judgement. Louis puts his face in his hands and Harry nods slowly. "Alright, what got stuck?"

Louis chokes as he inhales and Harry snorts, covering his mouth to stifle his snickering. Niall waits patiently for an answer.

"He put beads in me the wrong way. The pullstring is inside of me instead of out," Louis snaps, glaring at Harry. "We don't know how to get them out, and my boner won't go away and I'm really turned on right now and I just wanted to have a nice night, but here I am, so please get them out." 

Harry is dying of silent laughter, and Niall is forcing himself not to smile. 

"Mind if I take a look?" He says as he chuckles, sliding over to Louis on the wheely stool. Louis groans in misery and spreads his legs so Niall can look. "...you don't look very relaxed," Niall says upon inspection. "I'm gonna needs you to relax for me."

Louis whimpers, forcing his body to relax. Niall requests for lube to be brought to him, and Harry has to sit down, his face bright red from holding in his laughter. 

"It isn't fucking funny, Harry, you shit head!" Louis cries. "I could die!" 

"No you couldn't," Niall murmurs as another nurse hands him lube and walks out like she didn't see anything. "I'm gonna try to open you up, okay? See if I can get a hold on the beads, pull them out. Keep relaxed," He demands, and Louis sniffs and nods.

Harry leans over to watch Niall prod around inside his husband. Louis bites his lip when he feels a couple of Niall's fingers slip inside him. He shuts his eyes, deciding he might as well enjoy this. Harry nudges Louis' arm.

"Hey, don't-"

He's interrupted when Louis opens his eyes enough to glare at Harry. "I can enjoy this if I damn well please, Harry. You got me put here in the first place," 

Niall chuckles, but stops. "I can't really get a good grip." He pulls his hand away. "I'm gonna call in a doctor, see what he can do, okay?" He takes off his gloves and stands up, throwing them away. He grabs the walkie-talkie off his belt and clicks a button. "Requesting Dr. Payne in patient room 334B immediately. Bring a pair of tongs."

"Tongs?!" Louis squeaks, horrified. "What the fuck!" Harry grips Louis' hand and looks at him sympathetically as Niall explains what exactly was going on.

"I am honestly so sorry for this, Louis, I-" He now appears to be genuinely remorseful. Louis even believes him...

Until a doctor walks in with a long pair of salad tongs, and Harry bursts out laughing again.

"These were the only ones I could find in a short matter of time," The doctor (Louis guesses this is Payne) announces, holding them up and clicking them twice. Louis starts crying. He can hardly believe this is fucking happening. Was this even allowed in a hospital? He was sure it wasn't.

"That can't be allowed!" Louis sobs. "You can't put those inside me! Harry, shut the fuck up!" Harry does as he's told immediately, biting his lip. He's got to be serious about this, his husband is in distress. He knows he's being a total dick, and he's really trying not to find the situation funny, but...well, he can't help it.

Dr. Payne sighs. "I'm sorry, sir, but if Nurse Horan was unable to get the beads out by hand, we'll have to use some...unorthodox methods." He sits on the wheely stool and slides to Louis, lubing up the tongs. Louis whimpers, covering his face.

"This cannot be happening to me," He whispers, shaking his head. Dr. Payne takes a breath. 

"Ready?" He asks Louis. Louis groans in response, and Harry gives him a nod. Dr. Payne sighs and pushes the tongs into Louis, who gasps at the cold metal, then cries out when Dr. Payne opens them just enough to grip the smallest bead. He slowly, slowly starts to pull them out. 

Harry and Niall watch with curiosity as the beads pop out, one by one. Louis is crying silently, embarrassed and insanely pissed off. Dr. Payne finally gets the last one out and holds up the string of beads with the tongs, grinning. Louis feels empty and incredibly relieved, and Harry and Niall cheer, high fiving each other. 

"See? Not so bad!" Dr. Payne says, still grinning. Louis glowers at him and shuts his legs. Harry comes over and kisses his husband. 

"I'm so, so sorry, love. Never again," He noses at his cheek, and Louis smacks his arm.

"Yeah, never."

 

Louis adjusts his glasses as he looks over an email on his laptop. He pushes back his fringe and sighs. Jeez, some of his clients were absolute bitches... He types out an equally snappy email, only looking up when Harry bursts in through the front door, grinning and holding a bag in his hand.

Oh no.

He takes a moment to look Harry over as he closes the door. "Harry what've you got there?" Please, not another sex toy. It had only been a month since their horrifying accident, and Louis was reluctant to do anything but have sex. He was still sort of pissed, but not enough to not have sex; that was something he needed. 

Harry grins and takes a package out of the bag. It was wrapped up all nice and neat, like a birthday present. "Happy birthday, baby," He says, walking over and handing it to Louis. Louis gives him an odd  
look as he closes his laptop, sets it aside, and takes the wrapped box.

"My birthday isn't for another week, Harry," He murmurs as he starts unwrapping the box. Once he gets it unwrapped, he takes off the lid and moves aside the tissue paper. There, in the centre of the paper, were two simple little red and blue egg looking things with two little remotes placed next to each other. Louis' head shoots up. "Oh my God. You didn't." Harry grins and folds his arms across his chest.

"See, I thought we could try this thing..."


End file.
